Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
