Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
