roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
