he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
