That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
