Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Everclear isn't food dammit
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
