i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
