He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
