Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
