somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
