don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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