Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
