I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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