So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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