i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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