just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
