He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
