I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
