The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
