well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
