I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
