The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
