I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
