I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
