I just threw up on my dentist
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
