someone threw a dead crab at me
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
