This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
