these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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