his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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