I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
