My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Randomize
