dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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