I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
