looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
