I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
