please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
