I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I have aggressive nipples.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
