i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
