how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
