It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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