Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
