I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize