Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
he thought i was a dude.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
