My girlfriend figured out who you are.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
