and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
