Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
