I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
