the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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