You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
