It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
