I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
