Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
