Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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