GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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