JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
