My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
