I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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