i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
