my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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